June 10, 2018

Congratulations to the Virtual Belmont Stakes Winner

Congratulations ROS Bashing! Read below on how ROS Bashing Won the Belmont Stakes! 

6:00 AM – Belmont Park, New York

The morning light illuminates the barns of Belmont Park setting grooms, officials, TV crews, musicians, and the like into a frenzy of determined productivity.  The Belmont is literally at Stake and all eyes will be focused on the track at 6:37 pm. 

Traditionally known as “The Test of the Champions”, the Belmont Stakes dates back to 1867 and comprises the third jewel in the coveted Triple Crown title.  Unfortunately for science, no such title will be awarded this year, but there remains a solid herd of contenders and a strikingly beautiful blanket of carnations waiting to caress the withers of this year’s 1.5-mile winner.

6:00 PM

With 37 minutes to post time, caller Johnny kicks back with a Belmont Jewel…on the house of course. Preparing for the race ahead, he finds himself exceptionally grateful Prince Harry and Meg Markle finally tied the knot and he won’t be spending this weekend battling for media coverage of his race against the Royal Wedding.  If Harry can swoon every girl whispering she “looks amazing”, perhaps he should have whispered “powerhouse of the cell” and helped a fellow equine out?  He centers focus back to his notes.  With the Royals on Honeymoon, he’s overheard TV crews whispering about some “Justify” story they are eager to cover this weekend.  Competition never ends.

Brushing off all resentment towards media workers, Johnny steps up to his microphone.

6:37 PM

Welcome to the 150th running of the Belmont Stakes!!”

“Three weeks since the running of the Preakness, a time for innovation, improved training protocols, and the wonderful world of SICENCE!!!”

“Heeerrrreeee come our parade of ponies!!  All looking like they’ve seen better days….”

“Wandering Soul finishing warm-up riding high in his airway suspension chamber, HyperLoop having her chakras oiled and poll dabbed, Aging Gracefully flinging off ice boots…”

“All horses loaded in the gates”

The bell twangs and the gates unfold!!

“ANNNNDDDD THERRRRRREEEE THEYYYY GOOOOOO!!!!  Clean breaks across the board, Aging Gracefully surprisingly taking the lead early on the rail! Celine Dion in the crowd cheering her heart on….”

“ROS bashing taking second, followed by Sugar Link, HyperLoop, and Wandering Soul, Conjugate Driven limping…I mean loping along behind…”

“Veering into the first turn, Aging Gracefully already in need of better satellite reception, ROS Bashing taking advantage to the outside, jockey yelling something about photosynthesis…”

“Rounding into the second turn, Aging….Oh, dear!  What have we….Wandering Soul getting balky!  Hopping about, some leaps and OH. OH NO. Bucking now too!! The jockey is… THE JOCKEY IS…..oh bugger!  THE JOCKEY IS SOARING, flying better than your childhood kite!  Wandering Soul now loose!!  Perhaps wandering his way into a new career….or the nearest bowl of dog food…”

“Ambulance coming now to scoop up the jockey…”

“Down the backstretch, it’s ROS Bashing, Sugar Link, Aging Gracefully sinking through the pack faster than Jack froze to death holding onto Rose….”

“HyperLoop running steady, finding that straight line, Conjugate Driven holding down last place…”

“Galloping into the third turn, Conjugate Driven has gone from limping to three-legged lame, Preakness rumors ringing true, DO YOU SEE IT?!  THERE’S FINDING NEMO, his little fin flopping out of the joint capsule followed by a flood of IRAP, jockey pulling up…”

“Disappointment! Apple created such successes as the iPhone, iPad, iCloud…perhaps Apple should fund a little iRAP, charge the horse longer next time and maybe Trainer Linol won’t be so i-rate…”

“Setting up for the fourth turn, it appears a battle of three, ROS bashing in the lead, Sugar Link second, followed by HyperLoop…Aging Gracefully now settling for last…that ship has sunk…”

“Turning towards the home stretch, HyperLoop and Sugar Link picking up their pace, Pepto pixie dust flying!!”

ROS Bashing sticking to the rail, barely holding onto the lead, HyperLoop hopped up on lavender fumes, Sugar Link jockeying around behind….”

“HyperLoop holding her straight line, ROS Bashing’s jockey screaming something about not blocking the sun for chloroplasts, Sugar Link puffing away…”

“WE HAVE OURSELVES A HORSE RACE FOLKS!!! 

“COMING DOWN TO THE WIRE NOW!  Cue a Little Beethoven’s 5th….TUM TUM TUM TUUUUUMMMMMM… to signal Sugar Link faltering, antacids not working, losing ground, perhaps too many breadsticks ingested, slowed by bloat, we’ve all been there…”

“ITS GOING TO BE ROS BASHING AND HYPERLOOP DUELING FOR THE WIN, IT’S SOLAR POWERED PONY AND HOLISTIC HORSE…..WHO. WILL. IT. BE?!

“Stretching their necks out, vying for those carnations!  Chakras turning, chloroplasts firing!!!!

“COMING IN FOR THE PHOTO FINISH, NOSES OUT AS FAR AS PHYSIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE.  IT’S GOING TO BE……….R. O. SSSSS. BAAAAAASSSHHHHINNNNGGGGG!!!!!”

“NOT ONLY A WIN FOR HIS TRAINER, BUT PROOF THAT SCIENCE WILL PREVAIL!!! ANNNDDDDD…A NEW FIELD OF SCIENCE EMERGES STUDYING EMPOWERING HORSES BY WAY OF CHLOROPLASTS, MIGHT JUST INCREASE AMERICA’S EMPLOYMENT RATE!!!”

“CONGRATULATIONS TO ROS BASHING SPONSORED BY YOURS TRULY, THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF ANIMAL SCIENCE!!!“

“AND WAIT!!!  Here comes Aging Gracefully, sauntering her way across the line.  Give that mare a hand, at 15+ she deserves a medal and a date with some lad named American Pharaoh…”